The first two years of marriage

My wife and I recently celebrated our second anniversary. It was an eye-opening experience to reflect on the past two years. Here’s a rundown of the major life changes: We closed on our house three months before we got married, then moved in a week after returning from our honeymoon. I started the CPMAP certification program with CatholicPsych Institute a month later. We got our first cat in late August-early September. Then we got our second cat in late October. Then my wife moved her chiropractor practice in home the following March. Those were just the visible milestones. The invisible ones are what have held most of my attention in reflecting back.

Needless to say, it was one of the biggest adjustments for me to begin living as a married man. I quickly realized how much work I had cut out for me; not so much physical or household work, but interior work. I quickly realized how much defensiveness was pent up within me. At the same time that these defensive tendencies were rearing their maladaptive heads, I was also working directly on them with my supervisor-mentor with CatholicPsych. This interior work, as part of the CPMAP program, was keystone of the program and a real catalyst for us to seek the help we quickly realized that we needed.

What am I feeling as I reflect back on the interior progress we’ve made as a couple over the past two years? First, a prevailing sense of gratitude to God for His constant help and call forward. Through everything, I never lost a sense that God was calling me forward and that I needed to respond. Second, a deep humility. I know that I have hurt my wife. I know that there were plenty of times in the past two years when I willingly chose not to act with sincerity, integrity, and humility in the midst of a fight or argument. But, with the grace of God and the counsel of friends and mentors, I came to see the error of my ways and the tragedy that I was allowing my wounds to continue wounding the woman I love.

I remember a conversation, when still a Carmelite, that I had with a fellow friar whom I deeply revered. I was talking to him about the realization that I was called, not to religious life, but to marriage. And he gave me some serious advice that, only now, do I realize how importantly I should have received it. He could see that I had a lot of wounds from members of my family that would hamper my ability to freely and healthily enter into marriage. And he counseled me that I needed to dedicate time and effort to heal these wounds before considering marriage. I couldn’t be more sure of how right his advice is than now with two years of hindsight. Fastforward to a year ago when I was in the thick of the CPMAP program. My supervisor-mentor drew attention to how these patterns were not just hampering my growth as a mentor, but as a man and a husband. It was really hard to receive this feedback.

What am I trying to say through all this? First, the human formation work is central to our ability to flourish in our relationships and our vocations. And it is never too late to start that work or pick it back up. Seek support and accountability from healthy and genuine peers, family members, mentors, therapists, spiritual directors. Second, the human formation is never divorced from our call to holiness. It is all one because each of us is a “suppositum” of body, soul, and mind. And finally, as the Second Vatican Council proclaimed, this impetus to healing, integration, and flourishing is all part of the universal call to holiness.